We all want to raise strong, independent kids who feel comfortable in their own skin. These mentally strong kids are able to bounce back when things get hard and are driven to succeed. The way you praise your kids either fosters this growth or sets standards and expectations that are not healthy long-term.
Here are some things to consider:
Instead of Outcome…
- Way to go on that A!
- Congratulations on scoring 4 goals!
We naturally want to praise our kids based on the outcome of their actions. We want them to feel celebrated, but what does this praise really communicate?
→ Your value is based on outcome (which often in life, we can’t really control anyway)
Praise Effort.
- I love how hard you worked and studied for that test. Do you see how it paid off?
- You really worked well as a team today. I could see how hard you were all trying!
This subtle shift shows our kids the value of hard work, even if things don’t go our way. Check out this video for a study on the value of praising effort over intelligence or other outcomes.
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Instead of Being Excessive and Wordy…
Our kids don’t need constant praise. They need to be valued consistently and meaningfully, yes. However, constantly filling their ears with “good job!” or overly descriptive ways of praising them may desensitize them to true, meaningful, consistent reinforcement.
After hearing the same praise many times, the words lose their power.
Be Consistent and Meaningful.
The right kind of praise will “use words that reflect their experience and show understanding and empathy,” according to Leticia C. Lara, LCSW.
Get on your kid’s level and praise your kids in a SPECIFIC way that they value and can understand. For some kids, this may be as simple as a high five and nothing more. For others, they appreciate the verbal affirmation.
One size doesn’t fit all in any area of parenting, so get to know your child and what they respond best to.
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Instead of Superlatives…
Smartest, prettiest, fastest, best, etc.
These are nothing more than labels that your child will subconsciously (or not) feel they need to continue living up to. There’s nothing wrong with telling your child that they are smart, pretty, fast, good at something, etc., but just be conscious of the message you are communicating.
Value Character, Progress, and Individual Strengths.
If your child is good at an area, praise their effort and individuality. This is something that can carry them through all situations—even if they aren’t the “best.” Communicating your appreciation of their character, their willingness to try, and even their ability to bounce back after failure or not getting their way will serve them well for years to come!
Again, each child is unique and responds to praise differently. Finding your child’s strengths and focusing on those to help build their confidence can help them see the things that really matter.
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Ask Questions
- Do you see how much you’ve improved?
- Did you notice how your hard work paid off?
- How do you feel about XYZ?
Putting the ball in your child’s court to essentially praise themselves is a great tactic to help build your child’s confidence. The goal of praising your kids should be to build a healthy confidence that makes them more resilient, more likely to self-advocate, and better at trying new things (and sometimes failing).
When your child takes ownership of acknowledging what went well and what didn’t, they are building a lifelong skill that will help them self-reflect and grow!
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Wondering What Could Be Making Your Child’s Confidence Tank?
If no matter how you praise your kids, their confidence is still in the toilet, there could be other underlying reasons.
Poor cognitive skills often make kids feel stupid, slow, behind, or incapable compared to their peers. Understanding where your child falls in areas like attention, processing speed, logic, and other key skills can shed light on potential problem areas that make them feel “less than.”
Contact us today to learn more about cognitive skills, learning, and how brain training can help.
Sandy is the one person who understands that Eli is an individual and not a label, this has enabled her to help Eli to blossom. Understanding Eli’s struggles and responding with patience and kindness has allowed Eli to build trust and to excel. Other professionals have told us that Eli is not capable, that he will never progress, but Sandy has helped us to prove them wrong! Since working with Sandy at Learning RX, Eli’s confidence has increased, he is more willing to try new things, to practice what he has learned at Learning RX, and he enjoys his new successes! As well, building resilience through training has been an important goal that Eli continues to meet. I can’t thank you enough!
~Julia P., Staunton, VA
*Results based on past client; you or your child may or may not achieve the same results.