10 Better After School Questions to Foster Connection and Boost Independence

Ask any parent who has picked up their 13-year-old from school about the fastest way to dead-end a conversation and you’re sure to get the same response from the majority: “Ask them how school was.” After school questions can lead to either a major freeze-out OR the potential of deeper questions.

For most of us, the resounding “Fine” we get on the daily is the equivalent of a verbal eye roll, signaling that Mom or Dad has crossed the line into the Territory of Parental Annoyance. The region might be fictional, but the feelings of disconnect are all too real—on both sides.

That’s not to say that parents shouldn’t continue their efforts for conversation—on the ride home, at the dinner table, or before nestling in for the night with Netflix. On the contrary, asking questions of your kids, tweens, and teens is still the best way to nurture your relationship, provide a sense of belonging, boost emotional resilience, and get a general reading of their “head space.” The key is to ask the right questions.  

A Helpful Mindset When Asking Questions to Make Sure Connection Can Happen:

A few pieces of advice before you attempt this:

1. Ask open-ended questions. “Do you have homework?” leaves room for a simple “yes” or “no” and requires no further need for commentary. 
2. Read the room (or car). A hungry, tired, or overwhelmed kid is going to need a snack, nap, or time to decompress before engaging in a conversation with anyone, let alone a parent pushing for answers.
3. Choose questions that require reflection, accountability, and/or self-assessment. Answering these questions honestly can help develop self-awareness, personal responsibility, problem-solving skills, and independence. 
4. Reserve judgment. This isn’t the time to share solutions, spout off a lecture, or express your opinions about why they should or shouldn’t have done something. Avoid blame-focused statements and questions, such as “You should have …” and “Why didn’t you …” Instead, simply focus on being an effective listener.
5. Give them your attention. Turn down the radio, turn off the TV, or set your phone down and give your child or teen your undivided attention. Check your own body language for signs of disagreement, frustration, or disappointment, included folded arms and heavy sighs. It’s worth noting that while eye contact may feel comfortable for some kids and teens, others may find it easier to open up if they’re sitting next to you, rather than facing you. 

Ready to get started? 

Here are 10 “power” after school questions to ask your child or teen when you want to foster a deeper conversation: 

(You can adjust these for humor and playfulness based on your kid’s age, maturity, and interests.)

1. What was going through your head when you first glanced at that math test that you’ve been dreading?
2. If you were Dr. Strange and could reverse time, what would you do differently to prepare for the science test?
3. If you could have done your book report on any topic, what would it have been on and why?
4. What’s the most interesting thing you learned in history class today?
5. What activities do you feel take up more of your time and attention than you’d currently like?
6. What are your priorities tonight that, if completed, will help you feel relaxed enough to fall asleep?
7. If a substitute teacher let you choose any documentary topic to watch as a class, what would you choose and why?
8. What did you do to prepare for school this week that made you feel proud?
9. In what ways do you feel like you’re more independent than other students your age?
10.  Was there anything on your social studies test that made you think, “What in the world? I don’t remember learning that!”

One final bit of advice. To find out if your student’s cognitive skills could benefit from an individualized one-on-one brain training program to target and train any brain skills that need a boost, consider getting a Brain Skills Assessment. The test only takes about an hour and the results often provide an “Aha!” moment for parents who have questioned why their student can perform so well on certain activities but struggle with other types of tasks for assignments. 

Using these results, you can determine which interventions, such as one-on-one brain training, might be right for your student. Get started today!