I’m the Stupidest Kid in My Class!When their hearts break, our hearts break. It’s one of the excruciatingmysteries and blessings of being a parent. We love our kids, and know just how amazing they really are. So when oneof our kids is feeling inadequate or discouraged, we want desperatelyto fix the hurt. It’s not easy knowing the right thing to say or do. And even whenwe have a good idea of what to say, it’s not always a quick fix.Just like the adults who love them, kids sometimes need time to processthe insecurities and disappointments of life. That said, here are some ways you can encourage a child who is feelingbad after comparing himself or herself to peers at school and coming up short. Ask questions. If you child makes a statement like “I’m dumb” or “Nobodylikes me” or “I can’t do anything right,” it’stempting to rush into countering that statement, but consider taking afew moments and asking your child why he or she feels that way. Ask forspecific examples. It may give you insights into how to better respond. Explore famously successful failures. Talk with your child about people who experienced great failures in life,and yet went on to accomplish amazing, innovative things. Albert Einsteindidn’t speak until he was four and was even expelled from school.Abraham Lincoln experienced failures in the military, business, and politics.Stephen Spielberg was rejected from the University of Southern CaliforniaSchool of Theatre three times. Elvis Presley was told by an influentialperson in the music industry, “You ain’t goin’ nowhere,son. You ought to go back to driving a truck.” Here’s an interesting website listing 50 famously successful people who failed at first that you and your child might enjoy reading together. Don’t believe everything you hear. Did someone say something demeaning to your child? Talk with your childabout the spectrum of motives that can drive someone to say somethingdemeaning. The truth is, people say things for lots of reasons, includingjealousy, ignorance, the need to elevate themselves, the fact that miseryloves company. Can your child come up with other motives? The point is,not everything that comes out of the mouths of others is true or motivatedby truth, so allowing ourselves to define ourselves by what other peoplesay is a really bad idea. We can’t control what other people sayor think, but we can be diligent gatekeeper of what we receive and internalize.Together can you and your child come up with a list of more reliable indicatorsof who we are and our true value? Don’t believe everything you think. Just as it’s important to learn how to evaluate what other peoplesay about us and reject what isn’t true, we have to do the samewith what we find ourselves thinking about ourselves. What are some commonlies people believe about themselves? Consider sharing with your childan experience you’ve had with believing a lie about yourself, andhow you came to recognize the lie and embrace the truth instead. Substantiate your praise. When a kid says something like, “I’m stupid,” it’seasy to shoot back with a 180 degree statement like, “You’renot stupid,” or “Don’t say that; you’re very smart.”But don’t stop there. It doesn’t help to simply say the oppositeof what your child just said without explaining why. Give specific examplesof why you something other than what your child is expressing. Find and develop your child’s strengths and gifts. No one can be great at everything, but everyone can be great at something.Make sure to expose your child to lots of opportunities to discover somethinghe or she is passionate about (because what we’re passionate about,we tend to also become skilled at doing). Knitting? Frisbee golf? Volunteeringin the community? Sketching? Electronics? Singing? Horseback riding? Doingrandom acts of kindness? Being the family “barista” and makingthe best coffee drinks in the house? Baking cookies? Training the familydog? Knowing we are good at something—whatever that is—isa confidence builder that can keep us from defining ourselves (and feelingcrushed by) life’s inevitable failures and disappointments. What are you modeling for your child? Examine your own beliefs about failure. Do you think failure, in yourlife or in the lives of your spouse or children, is something of whichto be ashamed? Or is it a stepping stone to better things? Something tolearn from? Even something admirable, a sign that someone is getting outof their comfort zone and trying new things? And while you’re atit, you might want to consider your philosophies regarding confidence,self-esteem, and peer-comparisons in your own life. The point is, areyou modeling inadequacies, insecurities, and shame that are similar towhat your child is dealing with now? If so, don’t despair. You’rein a great position to model for your child how to rethink limiting beliefsand embrace healthier perspectives instead. Separate facts from shame-based interpretations of those facts. Let’s say your child feels “stupid” because he or shefailed an exam. Help your child learn how to separate facts from shame-basedinterpretations of those facts. Fact: Your child failed an exam. Acknowledgethe fact. Don’t sugar coat it (“Maybe it won’t impactyour final grade”) or deflect blame (“Your teacher must nothave presented the information clearly”). Accept the fact, but don’taccept a shame-based interpretation of that fact. The fact that your childfailed a test does not say anything about his or her worth as a person.It doesn’t mean she is stupid. It doesn’t mean he is a failureas a student or a person. Take an action. Once you separate fact from shame-based interpretations, brainstorm withyour child a list of answers to the question, “What can we learnfrom this experience, and what can we do that will create a differentoutcome next time?” Make a list of actions your child can take. Consider interventions to remove recurring obstacles to learning. If your child is feeling inadequate or discouraged in school, there mayvery well be a reason that is beyond his or her control. In fact, studiesshow that 80% of learning struggles are caused by one or more weak cognitiveskills. Cognitive skills are the foundational skills the brain uses tothink and learn, and include long- and short-term memory, visual processing,auditory process, and logic & reasoning. Extremely bright kids (andadults, too) can have one or more weak cognitive skills that are makingschool, work, or life harder than it needs to be. One-on-one brain trainingis an intervention that identifies weak skills and strengthens them, removingthe obstacles and making learning easier. At LearningRx, for typically$200 or less, you can have your child tested and identify any cognitiveweaknesses that may be holding him or her back. If cognitive weaknessesare the problem, one-on-one brain training can strengthen those weaknessesin as little as twelve weeks. The improvements can be dramatic, and theyare lasting. To learn more about LearningRx brain training,contact a center near you.